How to breathe life into a boring sex life

Janet Roberts

Do you remember the first time you rode your bike without training wheels? I do. It was exhilarating, slightly frightening, but mostly thrilling!

Although I have a sweet memory of my early days as a bike rider, the truth is I didn't ride very well then. I was wobbly and tentative. As the years went by, however, I became skillful, and a different kind of thrill replaced that newbie excitement. 

What does bike riding have to do with a boring sex life? It’s this: Your first year of sex doesn't have to be your best year of sex. While nothing replaces the honeymoon phase, if our goal is to remain there, then we set the bar too low. God’s intent is that married couples continue to grow in their passion for Him and for one another. 

Your first year of sex doesn't have to be your best year of sex.

That is not to say that if you're doing it right, marriage is a continuous love fest. Life happens, and when it does, it can cause a breach in intimacy and a stalemate in the bedroom. What's important, however, is that we don't let that physical distance be prolonged because it is a threat to marriage (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).

Knowing God wants us to enjoy our spouse always, yet lulls in the bedroom are unavoidable and unhealthy, what can married couples do? Below are three practices that if you’ll make habits, will maximize the potential for passion and minimize the inevitable times of indifference.

Pursuit

The Song of Solomon captures the story of two lovers who are in continuous pursuit of one another. That pursuit fuels romantic encounters filled with passion. No matter how old we get or how many years we’ve been married, we want to be pursued by our spouse. If we’ll fight complacency in our marriages and replace it with pursuit, we can expect the same result.

Marriages are like snowflakes, no two of them are the same. Investing time to find out each other’s unique love language will yield positive results. But we do share some common needs that when met open the door for romance. 

Men feel attracted to women who honor and respect them (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-2). Not a day goes by when I don't find something to praise my husband about. I praise him in private, and I praise him in public. (I sometimes yell at him in private, but that's a different article.) 

A woman’s basic need is security. Worry throws a wet blanket on passion. Nothing makes me more attracted to my husband than when he solves a problem over which I'm losing sleep (Ephesians 5:25-33). Every morning my husband asks the Lord what he can do to lay down his life for me. Now that’s sexy!

Purity

It's unlikely we’ll view our spouses as special if we fill our minds with salacious images and imagined scenarios that have no basis in reality. Our bodies and our minds must be reserved for our spouses only if we are to experience the joys of the marriage bed (Proverbs 5:15-23, Job 31:1, Matthew 5:28). Our hearts are our hard drive and we program them with our thoughts. If we program ourselves to associate sensual feelings with someone other than our spouses, well, do the math.

To maintain purity it's also important to create strong boundaries when it comes to interacting with members of the opposite sex. My husband and I are careful to only have conversations regarding personal matters with each other or same sex friends. Ditto on being alone with someone. Good, godly people can yield to a momentary attraction and make a life-altering choice when these boundaries are not in place. 

Prayer

Couples who regularly pray together grow in spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy leads to emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy leads to physical intimacy. Sex between married couples is not lust. Lust springs up in an instant and can just as easily turn to loathing (2 Samuel 13). Intimacy that is cultivated in prayer grows as you grow as a couple, and deepens as each of you experiences individual changes. 

Every morning my husband and I pray together for the day and for each other. But we also make time often to pray and hang out with the Lord to see if we’re on the right track. We pray about every decision we need to make. If you and your spouse start praying together today, the Lord will begin His work in your marriage and create a bond in your marriage that cannot be broken.

God created humanity, designed marriage, and sanctified sexual union. If you ask Him, He’ll show you how to keep the passion between you growing (Proverbs 3:5-6).